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Greek Gods Sex Stories


While there are goddesses who chose to stay virgins and stay away from the drama goddesses like Athena, Artemis, and Hestiamost other Greek gods spent their uned days and abundant free time exploring their sexuality. When you are powerful, glorious, and immortal, monogamy may not make sense to you, just like these Greek gods who had affairs.

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Catholicism has patron saints for just about everything, and if you travel to South America you can find some rather obscure ones. One daywhen all of the other men were out working the fields, Maximon did the only logical thing he could: He had sex with literally all of their wives. Kama-pua'a chased it and never came back. Maybe some detachable wieners?

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The Vatican strongly discourages Catholics from praying to Maximon, but that doesn't stop them. The sight of Priapus offended the small-dick-loving Greek gods, so he was cast out of Mount Olympus and lived on Earth with a bunch of satyrs, people with horse-like features who taught him how to live in harmony with nature and fuck just Wiki Commons.

Ancient Greek art tended to portray heroes with cute little penises tucked neatly away. After literally cumming the universe into existence, Enki turned his sights to the arid lands of the Middle East, which just turned him on even more. Every day, save for his own feast day, they cover his face "for fear that his sexuality may run rampant.

The overflow of his torrent of semen created the first plants. Kelly Stanaway studies current and ancient mythology as a hobby and can be found on Twitter. Tickets are on sale now. Some religions are just objectively better than others. So what is it about Maximon that makes him distasteful to the Church but endearing to the people? Greek gods sex stories about the time Zeus turned into a swan and raped a girl, we figured out that mythology had some pretty weird sexual hang-ups.

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Apparently, Kapo never went in search of her discarded organ, so if you're ever in Hawaii, be careful where you step. That's right: They tetherballed the poor bastard. Today, venerators of Maximon consider him a saint of fertility, male sexual power, and wealth. But there's "ornithological sexual assault" weird, and then there's Indra was considered the king of the Hindu gods.

Aaron Wolpert. Each year, 12 finalists for the Princess Kay of the Milky Way dairy ant are turned into butter sculptures. Locals say that they pray to him by drinking rum and smoking cigarettes. He was a local clan leader who was blessed with an enormous dick that could move like a snake, and as such he had the power to bone people from a distance, Greek gods sex stories some kind of sex sniper.

The Mehinaku people of the Amazon have an interesting way with language. Also, follow us on Facebook. He eventually became homesick, though, so he prostituted his own mother in exchange for body paint, returned to the village, and taught everyone a song and dance about his life. Or don't. They set up shrines to him in their homes, which usually take the form of a short, limbless, mustachioed man in a sombrero, smoking a cigar, and surrounded by offerings of booze, cash, and fruit.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement. The gods, repulsed by Indra's full-body menstruation, undid the curse by turning all of the vaginas into eyes, which gave Indra his official title as the Thousand-Eyed God. Although, in another version of the story, they merely try to hide the vaginas by painting them to look like eyes, because apparently in those days they either had really weird eyes or really weird vaginas.

According to the legend, all women's vaginas used to detach from their bodies at night and wander around the village looking for food. Apparently this was an incredibly potent shaming technique, because Inuvayla'u was so mortified that he took an ax and chopped off his own dick, cut it to pieces and spread it all around the forest before fleeing into exile. The story goes that a man once woke up in the middle of the night to find a stray vagina eating his leftovers, so he took a fire brand to it. Cracked VS: Pokemon Vs. Digimon Pikachu or Patamon?

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The three suspended Netflix employees may not be so lucky. The natives of Hawaii have a similar story about the goddess Kapo-kohe-lele, literally translated to "Kapo with the flying vagina.

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One technique was to cut a hole in the wall of their house and then thrust his serpentine dick in, where it would snake its way through the house until it located a vagina and then did its thing. And that's why women's vaginas no longer roam free, because apparently that needed a legend to explain.

Because apparently in the Amazon, if you wake up to find that your pantry has been raided, you immediately assume that a free-wandering vagina did it. Incidentally, that's also where the popular party game pin the tail on the donkey came from -- though it wasn't always a tail Humankind learned pretty quickly that there is a connection between sex and creation, but nobody expressed this more literally and succinctly than the Sumerians, whose god Enki managed to create the whole world in one mammoth masturbation session the likes of which can only be compared to a teenager who has just discovered RedTube.

And it wasn't because he was hurt. Add me to the weekly newsletter.

Daughter of hades

Enki completed his jerk session by ejaculating human beings into the world and then demanding that they worship his penis. Add me to the daily newsletter. The people of the Trobriand Islands in Papua New Guinea have a traditional dance with a legend behind it, the legend of Inuvayla'u.

Indra was mortified and went into hiding, and the other gods went looking for him. But that rule went straight out the window if you were talking about the Greek god Priapus, who was more commonly portrayed like this:. Apparently it is very hard for the lords of all creation to get some legitimate action. Priapus was the son of Aphrodite. Then do it!

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Eventually, the townspeople got pissed off enough at Inuvayla'u and his stealth crotch snake that they ganged up on him and dunked him in a river. The priests that speak to Maximon directly are permanently drunk on grain alcohol, which seems to be a religious requirement.

Confirm Password. Balasaheb Pandit Pant Pratinidhi. Like in Guatemala, where they pray to Maximon, the drunken, chain-smoking saint of wanton debauchery. Much like Zeus, he threw lightning bolts at people and disguised himself as women's husbands so that he could have sex with them on the sly.

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Get your weekly round-up of the latest movie and TV coverage from Cracked and be entered for our digital projector giveaway! When they finally found him, he was covered in blood. How about some spunk island and poop gods? The enraged husbands returned to find the entire town sticky and satisfied, so they did the only logical thing they could: They chopped off all of Maximon's limbs, then lynched him. In one storyPriapus tried to get it on with the goddess Hestia while she was asleep, but a nearby donkey brayed so loudly that it woke her up, and Priapus fled the scene.

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Indra lusted after Ahalya, the wife of the sage Gautama, so he floated down to Earth and disguised himself as Gautama while the sage was away, then proceeded to initiate the no-pants dance with Ahalya. Kama-pua'a threatened to rape Pele if she continued to ignore him, so Kapo came to the rescue by ripping out her vagina and throwing it away like a Frisbee. All right, so that last bit isn't technically true, but it should be.

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It's probably his origin story. All of them. The vagina scurried back to its owner, who woke up in agony over her seared unmentionables and later advised all the other local women not to let their vaginas wander around at night. Paul Ehrenreich.

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Instead of saying "I am thirsty," they'll say "My tongue is hurting. Just one problem: Other people go there too.

Ancient greek gods and rape

He dug two massive trenches using his raging boner as a shovel, and then jerked off into themcreating the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, which formed the cradle of civilization. It's whatevsies, yo. It's probably not hitting Broadway any time in the near future. Basically, he would be Ron Jeremy.

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She also has an ebook, Rending The Seal, available through Smashwords. I agree to the Terms of Service. The legend goes that the queen of the gods, Hera, was jealous of Aphrodite's superior beauty, so she cursed Aphrodite's son to be born hideous, and with a comically oversized schlong. Dave Chappelle will likely emerge from his scandal unscathed.

When Gautama found out, he was hopping mad and decided to inflict an ironic punishment on Indra -- he cursed the god to sprout a thousand vaginas all over his body, presumably while yelling, "Yo dawg, I heard you like pussy! You can say hi to Abraham on Twitteror visit his DeviantArt .

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Greeks have celebrated their Feast of Hestia ever since by decorating donkeys. In one day. It was a power he used liberally.

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Laura H enjoys obscene musicals and pretending that she has a future. Don't make me do this again.

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